Insecure vs. Secure In

I haven't posted in a few days because I kept waiting for my kids to do something cute, or to have pictures of some exciting adventure, anything to keep me from having to write about this! But of course, nothing worthy of writing about has happened so I know this is God's way of prompting me to share this. So here it goes:
Steven has been preaching a series on the life of David. This past week's message was on David and Bathsheba. Steven came to me on Saturday and wanted to run an illustration by me. He was not only asking my permission to use it but wanted to know if I thought it fit. So go with me now to somewhere around 1998, a good 5 years before we even met (this is an important fact for later!)

Steven is single, pastoring his first church. He is grocery shopping one evening and notices a very attractive woman and begins to "check her out." In the midst of letting his eyes wander, the woman turns around and catches him. She isn't upset or shocked by his behavior but smiles and shows interest. Steven becomes embarrassed by his behavior and proceeds to check out. After putting his groceries in the trunk, he turns around and the woman is coming towards him carrying a rose. She is pretty forward in her conversation and it ended by Steven giving her his number. On the way home, the Holy Spirit begins to work on Steven and he knows that this is not a road he should go down. He even felt the Lord saying, 'Steven, if you pursue this, it will be the beginning to the end of your ministry. You need to count the cost before you pursue this.' When he arrived home, he called a dear Christian brother, shared with him what had taken place and asked him to pray for him. When the woman called, Steven was able to tell her that he was a Christian and that he had acted inappropriately and he was sorry for misleading her. The conversation ended and he never heard from her again.

Now back to 2008, when Steven shared this with me, (it was the 1st time I had ever heard this story), I knew that it would be a perfect illustration for his sermon. But I did share that it would bother me if he went on and on about how attractive the woman was. He assured me that he would be appropriate but that her attractiveness was an important part. The Bible refers to many beautiful women but as far as he knew, Bathsheba was the only one referred to as "very beautiful." (2 Sam. 11:2) So I told him that it was fine with me and that I thought it was a good illustration. But as the evening went on, the insecurity in me grew stronger and stronger. I let the enemy tell me things like, "I bet he thinks about that all the time and wishes it had turned out different. Just think, right now, he's supposed to be studying and I bet he's thinking about her." I found myself wondering what she looked like. What was she wearing? Just how beautiful was she? I actually began comparing myself to a woman that he met 10 years ago! By the time we went to bed, I was so insecure and had let the enemy have such a hayday in my mind that I had to say something. (Which for me is a huge step, because I usually "stuff" my feelings.) I told Steven exactly what I was feeling and thinking. (Which I know sometimes he thinks, how in the world can all that be going on in your head!) I won't go into what we talked about because those kind of things are between a husband and wife but just know I went to bed feeling secure in my husband's love for me. But that's not the end of the story.
The next morning during my quiet time, God began to gently chastize me (cause that's what He does for those He loves.) He began speaking to my spirit and asking me questions like, "Is your security found in your husband's love?" "Can he love you perfectly?" I knew immediately that I, once again had failed to look to my Lord for my security, the only One who can make the promise to never leave me and keep it, the only One who loves me unconditionally, the only One who can truly change me on the inside. I confessed my unbelief and as we say "got right." And then He dropped the big question,
"Did you really want to let the enemy use your insecurity to distract your husband from what I've called Him to do?" ...............oh my.
I went to Steven, apologized and told Him how the Lord had been dealing with me. He was so forgiving and understanding.........it truly is amazing.
During the sermon, Steven shared the illustration, I was prepared...... I was ready...... because I am secure in my Father's love and I get the blessing of the love of a wonderful husband. When he finished sharing the illustration, I was quietly thanking God for His love for me and the Lord whispered to me,
"You see, I chose for you a husband who would remain faithful to you
...........before he even knew you."


But God demonstrates His own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8

Lord, you are so good to me and I am so unworthy!