October 15

Today, October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I didn't know about it until I read Bring the Rain.
Since I wasn't a blogger this time last year, many of you don't know that last October about 10 weeks into my pregnancy, I suffered a miscarriage. When I went to the hospital that Sunday morning, I knew that for some reason, God was allowing us to go through this experience. While at the hospital, no one was willing to say that we were actually losing the baby. Nurses kept telling us stories of others who had experienced bleeding throughout pregnancy but went on to deliver healthy babies. But in my heart I knew we would not be one of those stories. There was one distinct moment that I will never forget because my Heavenly Father spoke directly to me. I was lying on the bed and I think Steven had stepped out of the room and God asked me (not in an audible voice but to my heart), "How are you going to respond?" I remember thinking, "Lord you've placed me in a position where people look to me as a Pastor's wife and Lord I just want to be real!" I want people to see that yes, there will be days that are hard and I don't understand but that no matter what, I choose to trust you.
We left the hospital that day with the doctor saying, let's just wait and see what happens. Within 2 days, I had lost the baby. I can't share the details other than to say I was at home, by myself and I will never, ever forget the emotions that I experienced that day.
Over the next few days and weeks, I had good days and bad days. Days full of hope and days that were dark. But I kept true to what I told the Lord that day in the hospital. When people asked me how I was doing, I was real. I didn't just give the pat answer, "Oh, I'm fine." My answers may have sounded more like, "well, it's been a struggle but I'm trusting God." or "Today, I'm doing pretty good. God is good." I'll never forget the day when I saw an older gentleman from our church at the drugstore. I was touched that he asked with sincerity how I was doing but I won't forget the look on his face when I said, "today has been a real struggle. I could sure use your prayers." I guess no matter how sincere in his asking, people don't always expect you to be real and honest in your answer.
During that season of my life (as always), God was so faithful to minister to my soul. All He wanted was for me to come to Him and let Him! I read through the book of Lamentations many days and it was like a warm blanket around my broken heart.
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.
Lamentations 3:19-25

It would have been so easy during that time to allow my life to be consumed by the darkness of grief but PRAISE GOD His love is greater than anything! I think that because I let God do a healing work in me during that time, I have complete peace about this pregnancy. I haven't had one fear or anxious thought about the what if's because I know that MY God is faithful and He is good to those who seek Him!

If you've experienced the loss of a child, in any way, I would love the privilege of praying for you. You can leave a comment anonymously or you can share openly, whatever you're comfortable with.

I dearly love you all!