Wednesday, October 15, 2008

October 15

Today, October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. I didn't know about it until I read Bring the Rain.
Since I wasn't a blogger this time last year, many of you don't know that last October about 10 weeks into my pregnancy, I suffered a miscarriage. When I went to the hospital that Sunday morning, I knew that for some reason, God was allowing us to go through this experience. While at the hospital, no one was willing to say that we were actually losing the baby. Nurses kept telling us stories of others who had experienced bleeding throughout pregnancy but went on to deliver healthy babies. But in my heart I knew we would not be one of those stories. There was one distinct moment that I will never forget because my Heavenly Father spoke directly to me. I was lying on the bed and I think Steven had stepped out of the room and God asked me (not in an audible voice but to my heart), "How are you going to respond?" I remember thinking, "Lord you've placed me in a position where people look to me as a Pastor's wife and Lord I just want to be real!" I want people to see that yes, there will be days that are hard and I don't understand but that no matter what, I choose to trust you.
We left the hospital that day with the doctor saying, let's just wait and see what happens. Within 2 days, I had lost the baby. I can't share the details other than to say I was at home, by myself and I will never, ever forget the emotions that I experienced that day.
Over the next few days and weeks, I had good days and bad days. Days full of hope and days that were dark. But I kept true to what I told the Lord that day in the hospital. When people asked me how I was doing, I was real. I didn't just give the pat answer, "Oh, I'm fine." My answers may have sounded more like, "well, it's been a struggle but I'm trusting God." or "Today, I'm doing pretty good. God is good." I'll never forget the day when I saw an older gentleman from our church at the drugstore. I was touched that he asked with sincerity how I was doing but I won't forget the look on his face when I said, "today has been a real struggle. I could sure use your prayers." I guess no matter how sincere in his asking, people don't always expect you to be real and honest in your answer.
During that season of my life (as always), God was so faithful to minister to my soul. All He wanted was for me to come to Him and let Him! I read through the book of Lamentations many days and it was like a warm blanket around my broken heart.
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait on Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.
Lamentations 3:19-25

It would have been so easy during that time to allow my life to be consumed by the darkness of grief but PRAISE GOD His love is greater than anything! I think that because I let God do a healing work in me during that time, I have complete peace about this pregnancy. I haven't had one fear or anxious thought about the what if's because I know that MY God is faithful and He is good to those who seek Him!

If you've experienced the loss of a child, in any way, I would love the privilege of praying for you. You can leave a comment anonymously or you can share openly, whatever you're comfortable with.

I dearly love you all!

11 thoughts from Y*O*U:

Susan and Lee said...

Oh Cheryl, this really got to me. My dear friend Jen that I met about 3 years ago through a bible study group lost her baby at 18 weeks last week. It was a little boy and they named him Gabriel (God's hero). Her little girl Paige is 2 weeks older than my Jake. Please pray for her and I am going to let her know about your posting so she can read it. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Natalie said...

Cheryl,
Your post really touched me. I too miscarried around 11 weeks. I will never forget the pain and hurt in the hospital when my husband and I got the news. I knew somthing was wrong, it could just feel it. Being a pastor's wife, I struggled with just wanting a chance to "be real". I didn't want to be brave and trusting. I needed a chance to question. Looking back, I have learned so much from that experience. I know that the Lord can use my experience to help minister to others who have similar losses. Although I will NEVER completely understand other's experiences, I can be there to lend a listening ear. I don't think I would have respected and enjoyed my full-term pregnancy as muchas I did had I not experienced the miscarriage. Not that I wouldn't have appreciated it, but knowing that it is completely out of my control, made me appreciate it that much more.

There are some things in life we have to completely give up to Him. Thanks for sharing this today!

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Natalie said...

Sorry Cheryl, my comments went completely bonkers on me. Had to delete all 5 of them.

Angie said...

Cheryl, that was beautiful. I could relate to all of what you said, and I found that when I lost Joshua (at 22 weeks), one of the best ways I could let God work was to be real with people. Those were some of the darkest days of my life last year, but being honest with people allowed them to see God working through me. All glory to Him who carried us through that hard time, and has blessed us beyond measure ever since.

Yours is among the blogs whose posts I intend to read without deleting them, but I'm glad you directed me to this one especially. HOWEVER, young lady, I'm so far behind that I didn't even realize you were expecting!!!!!!!! Congratulations! I will be praying for this pregnancy, and praising God for giving you peace even after the last one. He is good, isn't He?!

Stacey said...

Hi Cheryl!

What an amazing post! We went through sort of the same thing, although it was through adoption. We were adopting a little boy in Vietnam and had him for a month (living in Vietnam) while waiting for his US visa to bring him home. We got the call that his birthmother wanted him back and we had to give him back after legally being his mom and dad for a month - although we knew of him and had pictures of him months before that. Needless to say, it was a loss that was all consuming. Not only did we lose our little boy, but we were having to deal with our grief in a foreign country with no friends and family around to help us! During that horrific time I continued to recite Jeremiah 29:11-13 whenever I felt those dark thoughts creeping up. I wasn't sure why we were going through this, but I knew that God had already ordained it and we had to be faithful through the test. God blessed us with another little boy from the same orphange that fits into our family perfectly! Our friends who know him find it hard to believe that he doesn't have our DNA as he is just like David and me. God truly is amazing! The healing and blessings that come after trial and testing makes me just stand in awe of my Heavenly Father!

ocean mommy said...

Hi Cheryl...

This is my first time to visit you, and this post just touched my heart. We have similar stories. Thanks for sharing your heart here, it's awesome to see what God has done!

Blessings to you and your family
stephanie